New Year, Same Thoughts

2017 is yet another year I’d love to forget, unfortunately I know that it’ll be a year I’m constantly reminded of and haunted by.

It started off horrifically and ended just as horrifically. Not to say that there were no good days, there’s always the good in the bad- or so I allow myself to believe. Regardless, I’m grateful that even if in brief passings, I got to smile last year.

I can’t help but wonder when things will start going right for me? Sometimes I feel like the most doomed person in the world, I’m sure many can relate to that feeling. I just want to be okay. I want to feel okay. Will 2018 be kinder to me? Please 2018, be kinder to me.

That being said, this year I’m actively going to chase my happiness. The world owes me nothing. I haven’t quite assembled a mental plan of how I am going to make this year great, but I have a few ideas. I’ve chased death so long that I haven’t really lived. I did that to myself and that sucks. Too consumed in watching my abusers live their lives whilst I’ve been held in mental and physical captivity. They’ve moved on and I’m still stuck.

I’ve wanted to die so long but now that death is actually knocking on my door, I’m hesitant to answer. Maybe I never wanted to die; I just wanted a way out. This could be the last year any of us will see, I know that… It’s different though, being told that. Hearing that your own body has turned against you and this could be it. You’re literally sucking the life out of yourself. It be ya own body. It really be ya own niggas. Deep in the calming centre of my being, I know that I’ll be okay. Whatever happens, I’ll be okay. I’m saying that to you too, WE GON’ BE ALRIGHT! So fuck it, even if 2018 isn’t going to be kind me, I’ll make sure I’m kind to myself.

Self care. Self love. Gonna grow my hair long (health permitting), skin is gonna be clear and my booty WILL grow.

Bring on the New Year!

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1 Comment

  1. I would just like to say, I am here for you girl! Praying for your physical and mental health. You a real boo, I love how you have expressed things so eloquently and honestly.

    Liked by 1 person

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