Hiatus 

I believe everyone has some form of existential crisis. Where you don’t know where you’re going or where you want to go. It’s like you’re just existing but not living. Numbing. It’s a point of neautral. Lukewarm feelings. Lukewarm emotions. Nothing stirs you and you’ve come to a standstill. The momentum is gone, the drive is obsolete. You don’t know where to begin, how to start… you don’t know if you even want to. But you try anyway, because life keeps moving in infinity. And even though you’re getting by, you find yourself in the same spot. You’ve spent your whole life trying to figure out your significance- your purpose. Just when you think you’ve got it, you’re sorted… you find yourself second guessing. Life isn’t enough. The world owes me nothing, I get it. But what worth am I to this world? I’m not needed. In the depths of my heart I know I’m nothing special. I want to be needed. I want to be special. Life is passing me by and I feel as trapped as those working deadend non-gratifying jobs. Midlife crisis at twenty? Spare me. I’m bored of life. I’m bored of feeling this way. Perhaps I’m even more bothered about not having things figured out right now because I don’t plan to be here much longer. I pray nightly that my time on this earth will be brief. So if I’m gonna live life, I need to start living now. I remember a time I used to look forward to things. Times where I couldn’t sleep at night due to pure excitement and anxious anticipation. Where did those feelings go? I want them back. I was never a happy child, but I still had vibrant emotions. I miss it. I stopped looking forward to a future when I realised I was never going to get what I want. People will ask me how and the story is in my scars. Life keeps reminding me that I am not enough. I’ve seen the reality of those who were fated to be alone. My stomach twists knots tighter than a boy scout. I feel sick. Because something… something keeps yelling at me from the dark corners of my mind that that’s my fate. Every time I allow myself to even think otherwise, life sends me another reminder to knock me down. It’s like all my life I encounter people who want to abuse me. So much so, I started abusing myself. I don’t want to be alone. But alas, it seems like that’s what’s in store for me. It’s the simpler solution to accept and conform to my reality than dream of another. It drives me crazy. My heart aches. I don’t want to be sold anymore dreams. I don’t want to keep feeling like this. You see, I know all the things I don’t want- but what do I want? What’s left for me if my deepest heart’s desire will not be fulfilled? I don’t know where I’m going, I’ve lost all sense of direction. My existence keeps getting smaller each day. In this world of billions of somebodies I feel like a nobody. Insignificant me. You can tell me you love me and it only warms my heart ever so briefly. Nothing keeps that flame burning anymore. It’s dwindling. I just have to refocus. I need a break from myself. I need a hiatus. 

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