You can’t run. You can’t hide. You can’t erase it.
Know that now.
Hiding proved pointless, how can you hide from something that’s already with you, part of you?
I thought that if I never talked about things that happened to me in the past, I would get over it. I thought if I just ignored my past, it’ll go away. If no one knew about my history, well, it didn’t happen… right? Wrong. It did happen. It happened. It happened. It happened.
Running didn’t work, it caught up to me. Years of silence shattered and I ended up picking up the jagged pieces to etch my story on my skin so deep the scars are imprinted and indented. I ran and ran from it, denied it, disaccociated myself from 8 year old me, then 14 year old me, then 17 year old me. My past always caught up to me and tagged me, now I found myself in a daunting playground with all the kids running away from me because I was “it”, I had the lurgies. I was alone and isolated.
Hiding proved pointless, how can you hide from something that’s already with you, part of you? Everywhere I went, the memories followed. The nightmares. The guilt. The scars. There was no hiding. My past simply tapped me on the shoulder and shrieked, “I found you!” As if we had been playing a game of hide and seek. My hiding days had come to an end and now it was my turn to seek out what hid in the shadows and corners of my mind.
My subconscious wouldn’t let me get away with it.
Well what if that one thing never happened? What if I didn’t make that one mistake? What if I just erase it from memory? All the what ifs and fantasy alternate universes drove my crazy to a point in my life where I lost my grip on reality. No longer could I distinguish between the lies I had fed myself and actual events that had occurred. I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know how to heal. I just wanted to forget it all; Every bad thing that happened to me, every bad thing I had done. But I couldn’t. My thoughts taunted and teased me. Memories and recollections piecing back together things I didn’t want to remember. Stalking me, pestering me.
It’s funny because more and more all these cliché sayings are so relevant in my life.
“MAKE IT STOP!!!” I remember screaming this through my screeching sobs, at my Head of Sixth Form in his office. Poor guy. Probably had no idea I was this way or what on earth I was referring to. But I knew. I was made to face it. My subconscious wouldn’t let me get away with it.
I’ve done some stupid things and made some awful decisions that I will never confess to a soul, only to the wind, sun, moon and stars. Things I wish I never did. Things I cannot change. Things I’m ashamed and embarrassed to admit to, even to this day. But I’ve had to forgive myself. It’s funny because more and more all these cliché sayings are so relevant in my life. The ones we all roll our eyes to when someone is trying to console us. (Tamsyn please don’t say it)… Nah, I’m gonna say it. TIME HEALS. There. I said it. Time actually can heal.
You need time to process things, to accept what happened, analyse it then you can move on. I can’t promise anything, there is no guarantee in this life except death. Scratch that, I can promise you this, it won’t be easy. I’m sorry if that isn’t a comforting reality, but it’s the reality. Fuck it. Another promise, it gets easier. Learning to move on gets easier, it gets better, it’s worth it. Once I realised this, I stopped anchoring myself, painfully attached to my past while trying to escape it.
Loving yourself is YOUR responsibility.
Know yourself. Know who you are. Know what you want.
Accept your past, it happened and you can’t change it, you cannot erase it. So no, you didn’t delete that person off your “bodycount”. Draya, you fine woman, hoeness cannot be deleted. Sorry. No, you can’t take the hurtful words you hurled back. No, you cannot just neglect your deviant past. I’m sorry you were hurt, abused, touched in certain places- trust me, I can relate. It’s happened to me. But it’s part of my life story and I refuse to omit it. Every little detail of your life, right from birth has shaped you. All those insignificant moments you’ve probably forgotten, they’ve had an effect. Loving yourself is YOUR responsibility. The world may not forgive you or accept your past. Labels will forever be stuck to your back, don’t let society define you.
If you need someone to talk to, please find a person you trust. You don’t have to journey alone- I don’t. Learn from the past, better your future. Don’t trap and lock yourself in a cage roaring of doubt, death and despair. They’ll devour you. Okay, enough alliteration (was neat though right?) You’ve got the key! We have so much potential but some of us can’t move forward because we have unfinished business in the past. Resolve it and prosper.
Nothing but good energies people.
Happy 20th birthday to me! 29.01.17
The Rose xo