I refuse to allow myself to be sad for too long. I will no longer dwell in the dark abyss of my mind. I will always run towards the light, no matter how far, no matter how small.
Today, I don’t feel like living anymore. Each breath is in vain and time’s melody counts down to my death. I can’t wait to kiss her lips as she draws the very life from my body, till it’s limp and- on this forsaken earth- Tamsyn will cease to exist.
My mind taunts me, every passing second seems like a mockery. Am I still considered suicidal even though the thought of suicide no longer comforts me, it’s no longer a possiblity? I will not die by my own hand. I am just simply waiting to die. For now, that’s okay.
Today just happens to be one of those days you know? I’m fed up and I wish I could give myself a rational reason to even feel this way. Thoughts in my head work against me, how is it that I make myself so sad? I want to stop, I’ve tried to stop. Understand that is not as easy as just thinking happy thoughts, if that were the case, I’d be a happy person. Oh, I live for that feeling of “happy”! I savour every joyful moment. Time slows and repeats in other parallels for in those moments I am paralysed with laughter till my lungs feel as if they are about to explode.
Enemy. My enemy is internal. There is conflict within me. Everyday my thoughts are clouded by gas bombs and thick smoke from the aftermath of C4 explosions, residue of bad memories rain down and the skies are blackish, grey. I ignore it. But I warn you. A storm is brewing. I fight back, the darkness fights harder. I attack, the darkness counters. I never lose, yet I never win. It’s a stale battle. Mutually assured destruction. The coldest war in the backdrop of my happy thoughts. It’s tiring. I want it to stop and I know it won’t stop and my mind continues to wander and the darkness continues to creep and my fears continue to manifest, yet the sun keeps shinning.
Even today, at my world’s end, the winter sun shone. So I will keep to my word and keep on running towards the light. There was a time when I saw no light at all. Tomorrow and tomorrow’s morrow awaits me. I am grateful to be blessed with the possibility of a new day and in turn, the possibilities of new happy moments. There is hope.
And well done to us, anyone like me, for surviving through all those days we never even wanted to face. Living through days we never even wanted to be alive for.
We are gladiators. Warriors. Give yourself some damn credit, you deserve it. As my friend once said, “sometimes living is the harder option.”