My earliest recollections are dark. Arguments. Fighting. Tears. Since the age of 8 I have shown signs of depression, for reasons now becoming known to me, reasons I had hid from myself for so long. Recently, I have been made to face the realities of my childhood. But I’m okay. I promise. This isn’t meant to be a sad post, or one filled with negativity and despair. It’s just me, getting to know ‘me’ and I felt I should give you an insight.
sadness is all I’ve known
My name used to be Tamsin, it still is, but I changed the spelling. Tamsin, in short, means twin. I have no twin. (Unless my parents have something to fess up). However, in a sense, I feel like there are two “me’s”. The Tamsin that was and the Tamsyn that is now. Genetically the same, by all means. From the same womb, by all means. But not, by all means, the same at all. Tamsin died in August 2015 and in doing so, birthed Tamsyn- somewhat like a baptism. New life. So when I say I’ve died before, I mean it.
For years, I felt as if sadness is all I’ve known– and it has been. Happiness came in waves, rising from the stillness and crashing into destruction. Sadness, however, always remained. Darkness stalked. Like the moon in the sky on a night car ride when I was little, darkness followed me; regardless of how many twists and turns and whatever lonely road I took.
so I killed her
I remember my past life vividly and I never want to forget the pain I felt. It’s a daily reminder. One that screams at me that I can never let myself slip that far into the darkness again. The overwhelming nothingness.
Yes, it’s nearly 2017 and it’s barely been over a year since my new existence, but when you have lived years of not wanting to live, it seems like an eternity. I have lived an eternity. I digress. You see, I just grew tired of being sad. Tamsin was that sad, quiet girl, the one that destroys. She had to die. So I killed her. With a quick five minute online deed poll application and less than £30. Easy. Before you chuckle, let me get serious. Changing the spelling of my name was only significant as a symbol of change. The real change, however, was far from easy. I had to start life again. A new lens. But I couldn’t get a new eyes or a new brain and my prescription lenses have remained the same -3 and -3.5 since I was 16. No, it wasn’t necessarily a physical death and rebirth.
I began to like me more
Everything about my personality changed, but my fundamental characteristics endured. My mind was still dark, but I introduced light, I taught myself new ways of thinking and suddenly everything wasn’t so 50 shades of blackish-grey. The world had colour. Depression still preyed, but I prayed harder, I meditated daily. I began to like me more, I began to take care of me more. Tamsyn was still a newborn, each day was a learning curve. For years, I stayed silent. Silent. Literally, not a word left my lips for two weeks straight and I don’t think anyone even noticed. (Probably an impossible concept to conceive if you know me now, I can’t shut up). But who cares? Tamsyn developed an “I don’t care attitude” and in the words of many young people out there”FUCK IT“. Understand that an ‘I don’t care attitude’ does not necessarily mean that I fail to care about anything, it is just that I refuse to care about people’s reactions too much. So I began to speak. Mumbled and cautiously at first, till I grew more assured of my words, who I am and what I had to say. I yelled my pain. I wrote my pain. I shared my pain. Finally, relief. The weight of the world ceased to exist on my shoulders, I could stand up straight and stride down better paths.
- Cut my hair off, grew it again
- Changed my diet, lost weight
- Threw away my blade (self harm)
- Studied, got into university
- Read new books
- Watched documentaries
- Indulged in anime
it’s got potential this day
I’m only a year old, but my growth has been amazing. Fuck crawling, I walked then ran and now I’m soaring. I love me. Tamsyn-bloody-Clara, that’s who I am. My life will never be perfect and that’s okay. My mental illness is here to stay and that’s okay. My past happened and that’s okay. The darkness still stalks and plots but its grip on me has loosened, I easily flee from its embrace. Depression’s grasp on my neck still tightens and suffocates, but I’ve found new ways to breathe air. Growing never stops, progress never stops. I can’t wait till I evolve into Tamsyn-Clara god level. Good energies. It’s all about good energies, I feel it. Tomorrow never comes, everyday becomes yesterday and every passing moment is now the past. But word to Cook (Skins U.K) “it’s got potential this day, it’s pregnant!”.
Energy is transferable. Radiate good energies. Grow.
Peace and love,
Signed, The Rose xo