Okay, so my booty didn’t grow. But it’s cool. I’m here and I’m actually… dare I say it… okay.
This has been a year of “meh”
In fact, I’m probably more than okay. I just have this fear of being happy… like I can never allow myself to be happy. It’s terrible. I’m so horrible to myself at times, but I’m certainly learning to be kinder. I made that a promise at the beginning of the year.
So 2018, hmmm. Yeah this has been a year of “meh”. Please don’t ask me what meh means because that’s kind of the whole point. I have no real complaints, which is a dramatic change compared to the past 5 years of my existence. There were ups and there were downs.
you have to get up, you have to get active, you have to make it happen
I don’t really want to discuss events of this past year, not much to say if I’m honest. It’s been BORING. Haven’t written for a while so quick update to get y’all up to speed:
- Turned 21 in Jan
- Completed my work placement
- Started my final year of uni
- My health is still in the gutter (but I am better)
- Broke, so I’ve lost weight
- Got a part time job, but still broke, so still losing weight
- Still promising myself to join the gym
- My hair has grown
- Started building a closer relationship with my parents
- Been over a year since I’ve self harmed (blade, burning etc) !!!
- Loveless but still a hopeless romantic- no heartbreaks this year though!
Cool, so what did this year teach me? I guess the ultimate lesson I am taking from 2018 is that you have to get up, you have to get active, you have to make it happen. Anyone who knows me, knows how lazy I am. I promise you, even getting out of bed drains all the energy out of me and my life bar is left in the orangey yellow zone. Depleted. I like to blame it on being severely anemic, and although that is partly the case, I know I’m just being lazy. I never make things happen. I just watch life pass me by. Opportunities pass me by, I never grab them.
Not once have I regretted getting out there. Not once.
Sometimes I think life hates me and that’s why nothing great ever happens; but really I’ve just been hating myself. I never got up and utilised my opportunities because deep down I felt I didn’t deserve to, or that I’d fuck it up. And yes, I really and truly do fuck a lot of things up. However, I also get a lot of things right. I really hate being cliche but please please listen when people say “love yourself”. It IS the KEY to everything. Balance. Give and take *insert meme*. It’s only towards the latter end of this year that I started getting up, going out, grabbing opportunities. Opportunities to make great memories, opportunities to share my art of writing, opportunities to network, opportunities to support my friends and loved ones, opportunities to create more opportunities.
Let me tell you now, ever since I’ve started to force myself to actually take control and take ownership of my life, my reality, my future- not once have I regretted getting out there. Not once. But I am still a working progress because whew chile, let me tell you, my fire burns out fairly quick (51% extroverted and 49% introverted apparently) and I desperately have to search for wood to keep it aflame. A lot of times I have ended up back in bed doing nothing all day and either overthinking or sleeping; avoiding my responsibilities, avoiding my friends and family, avoiding my hopes and dreams. It’s ugly. It’s embarrassing. It’s stupid. Get up Tam, GET OUT!
So yeah, I waffled a bit, grateful for those of you who actually take time out of their day to read my stuff. It’s great. You’re great! I love you. You keep me alive.
Okay 2019, I’m gonna get up. I’m gonna get active. I’m going to make it happen!
Time to get shit POPPIN’
See you on the other side my loves!
**p.s. I promised to take more full length pictures and I really did. My snap and IG stories have been glowing all year round.**
– Love Tam
– Love The Rose xo